The Idiot Sports Bettor
INT. RASMUS BUCK’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
RASMUS BUCK, 46, has shaggy dirty-blonde hair and bushy eyebrows and slight stubble. He is wearing an over-sized blue button-up shirt, untucked, with the sleeves rolled up, a pair of dirty straight-cut blue jeans, and white socks. Sitting beside RASMUS is his brother, EDDIE, 42. EDDIE has slicked-back black hair and is wearing a black compression t-shirt. RASMUS and EDDIE are sitting on a couch in front of a muted TV with subtitles. EDDIE's large plastic suitcase is standing between RASMUS and EDDIE’s legs. EDDIE is talking to RASMUS about RASMUS' ex-wife. RASMUS is distracted by the TV.
EDDIE
Caring about environmental toxins like plastics when most people don't even get enough cancer fighting lignangs or polyphenols, or don't even wear sunscreen is laughable.
RASMUS
I don’t wear sunscreen.
EDDIE
You should. And you should use at least SPF50 because most people don’t use enough.
RASMUS
I don’t like how it feels on my skin.
The show on television changes.
EDDIE points at the television.
EDDIE
Have you seen Hannity's America?
RASMUS
Yeah, uh-huh.
EDDIE
Do you like him?
RASMUS
Yeah, I don't know. I guess he just resigned.
EDDIE
Yeah, OK. I didn’t know that. I don’t, uh, I don’t watch.
RASMUS
It just said on the news... What do you like to watch?
EDDIE
It looks like hell to me.
EDDIE pauses.
EDDIE
I don’t understand what the hell this is. I look at the television, I go, "What the hell is this?" I imagine, like, the World War 2 generation, and I look at this shit, I say,
"What the fuck? What the serious fuck is wrong with our country?"
RASMUS tilts his head back slightly and looks just above the TV.
EDDIE
It’s not brain surgery.
RASMUS stands up and walks to the kitchen.
RASMUS has a son, RASCAL, and a daughter, APPLE. They are both nine and both have shoulder-length blonde hair.
INT. RASMUS BUCK’S KITCHEN - DAY
APPLE is sitting on a stool over a small kitchen island and RASCAL is sitting cross-legged beneath her on the white tile floor. They both have a cheese sandwich and purple grapes in front of them. RASCAL is playing with a Chinese finger trap and APPLE is reading a book.
EDDIE is talking on the cellphone as he walks in to the kitchen.
EDDIE
I can’t explain over the phone.
EDDIE stands still as he waits for his turn to speak.
EDDIE
Consulting with attorneys on next steps.
The call ends.
EDDIE (to RASCAL and APPLE)
Thursday afternoons and Friday afternoons are always the best deal closing hours.
EDDIE looks at RASCAL and APPLE and then at their food.
EDDIE
Berries and kiwis are the only fruits worth eating.
RASCAL has a slight lisp similar to the electronic music artist Grimes.
RASCAL
Fwench fwies are hewfthy. And I wub makin cookies.
EDDIE doesn't understand RASCAL.
APPLE (to EDDIE)
What is your name, please?
EDDIE gets another phone call and excuses himself.
APPLE carefully gets off the stool and walks over to RASMUS who is sitting at a small table at the other end of the kitchen. APPLE has been asking RASMUS for a pet rabbit.
APPLE
Mama said you should get me one.
RASMUS claps his hands in front of his face, attempting to kill a fly, but repeatedly missing.
CUT TO:
RASCAL laying on his stomach on the kitchen tile floor. He is staring at an ant between the floor tiles.
RASCAL
Maybe if i show mewrcy on de ant Gawd will show some mewrcy on me.
RASMUS lets out a faint chuckle. He often echos these simple, wise observations that RASCAL makes. He misses sharing them with his wife.
EXT. WINNIPEG GREYHOUND STATION - NIGHT
GREGORI BUCK, 44, is the middle brother of RASMUS and EDDIE. He is a diagnosed schizophrenic but is more easily recognized as bipolar. GREGORI is tall and skinny, with a handsome face and gray hair under a backwards baseball cap. He is wearing an untucked, flimsy-collared white polo, and straight-cut blue jeans, with loose boots enlarging his feet. In spite of his height, and because of his slightly hunched back, he appears stalkier than those of his stature. It's a misty evening shortly before sunset and GREGORI is waiting outside in line. GREGORI has no luggage except for a large steel hamster cage which stands next to him in line.
GREGORI, RASMUS, and EDDIE grew up in Winnipeg. RASMUS lives in Waterloo and teaches at the University. GREGORI never moved out. Both of their parents recently died, and GREGORI is going to stay with RASMUS.
The camera follows behind GREGORI as he boards the Greyhound and hands the driver his ticket. The driver watches GREGORI. GREGORI asks an old man who is sat up front if he can sit beside him. The old man nods.
INT. GREYHOUND BUS - NIGHT
The camera is against the glass of the passenger window. We can see warm lights and vague figures reflected against the window. We hear the old man and GREGORI speaking softly.
OLD MAN
Have you lived in Winnipeg your whole life?
GREGORI
My parents lived here. Didn’t have much choice.
OLD MAN
What do you like to do?
GREGORI
Well, do you know what a random number is?
OLD MAN
Sure, I guess.
GREGORI
Well, I don’t know how to explain this but, let’s just say, roughly speaking, there’s a certain magic to spontaneity. There’s that right on the edge, you know, the more risk, the more uncertainty, the more you can’t see in front of your face, that’s what I like to do.
GREGORI nods his head.
OLD MAN
What's your friend's name?
GREGORI doesn't understand the question.
CUT TO:
The OLD MAN is asleep. GREGORI is looking at the burgundy velvet seat in front of him. He brushes his index finger against the seat and then looks at his hamster in the cage between his legs.
EXT. WATERLOO GREYHOUND STATION - NIGHT
RASMUS, RASCAL, and APPLE are waiting at a slightly cleaner, newer bus station when GREGORI’s bus arrives in the early evening. GREGORI is the first person off the bus.
RASMUS and his children, being three of the five people waiting at the bus station, are easy to spot. GREGORI is standing still in front of the bus, looking for his brother.
RASMUS raises his hand and waves at GREGORI. RASMUS then walks over to GREGORI, not paying attention to whether the kids are following. He gives a half-hearted smile to GREGORI. GREGORI looks slightly uneasy.
RASCAL pops out from behind RASMUS.
RASCAL
HEWW-O!!
GREGORI widens his eyes, slightly surprised.
RASMUS notices the other passengers staring at GREGORI but doesn’t say anything.
RASCAL
Can I see da hamp-stawr?
GREGORI
OK. Yeah.
RASCAL, holding the large hamster cage with both arms, presses his face against the cage and begins to do chimp-like faces at the hamster, sticking out his tongue and shaking his head.
APPLE is standing beside RASMUS and greets GREGORI.
APPLE
Hello.
GREGORI gives an innocent smile and slightly nods.
They all walk over to RASMUS’ car. APPLE and GREGORI get in the back seats without discussion.
INT. CAR DRIVING ON HIGHWAY - NIGHT
GREGORI is drumming his hands against his lap.
RASMUS (to GREGORI)
EDDIE had to leave.
GREGORI (talking to no one specific)
Do you wanna hear a joke?
RASCAL
Yes.
GREGORI
It’s like, uh, Internet Explorer. It’s.. what do you use Internet Explorer for?
RASCAL (to GREGORI)
Do you wa-nuh hear dis song?
GREGORI
No, no, listen. Are you listening? There’s a joke. What do you use Internet Explorer for?
APPLE turns her head to look at GREGORI.
APPLE
To use the internet?
GREGORI
No! To download Firefox.
GREGORI is pleased with himself.
GREGORI
Have you heard that joke? Lis-listen, listen. You use Internet Explorer to download Firefox. That’s the joke. Are you listening to me? There’s a joke.
DUBIDUBIDU BY CHRISTELL begins to play from the car speaker.
RASCAL dances and sings along.
RASCAL
Chipi chipi! chapa chapa! dubbi dubbi! dabba dabba!
RASMUS gently turns the music all the way down.
RASMUS
I can’t focus with the crazy music playing.
RASCAL pouts for a moment but doesn’t challenge RASMUS.
The car stops at a red light.
GREGORI pulls out a small Ziploc of chocolate covered almonds from his left pocket. He slowly puts seven almonds on to RASCAL’s lap, counting each almond out loud.
GREGORI
1....2....3..4..5.6..7.
RASCAL
Sank you!
The light turns green and RASMUS continues driving.
RASCAL holds a chocolate almond against the hamster cage to let the hamster sniff. APPLE watches.
APPLE
Does he have a name?
GREGORI
I’ve taught it my opening repertoire. And, uh... It plays a lot like me, but that’s the whole point--even a hamster can solve chess!
GREGORI pauses to think.
GREGORI
I actually should teach it to bet sports too. I might do that. Hamsters are surprisingly intelligent. I could teach him to bet sports. Stock market, NFL, NBA...
GREGORI pauses.
GREGORI
Like, somebody said to watch out for the Bills game, said it was gonna be low scoring, so first thing I did was bet the over. And it won. By half a point.
APPLE can't tell if he's joking.
The car is slowing down to stop at another light when they are suddenly rear ended. The hamster cage, in-between RASCAL’s legs, is jolted forward and makes a loud noise. Everyone is shocked but no says anything. RASMUS looks at everyone. Everyone is fine. There is silence for a few seconds, then RASMUS unbuckles his seat-belt and gets out.
CUT TO:
RASMUS walking over to the car that rear ended them. A man gets out of the car. He looks very similar to RASMUS. Both are white men in their forties with similar faces and similar hair, wearing blue jeans and oversized, untucked button-up shirts (RASMUS’ blue, the other man’s pink). Neither mentions how similar they look.
RASMUS
Everyone’s OK. Do you have insurance?
The man doesn't immediately respond.
MAN (flustered)
No. Wait, no, yes, I do.
RASMUS
OK.
The front of the man’s car is damaged and should probably be towed.
RASMUS looks over to GREGORI, APPLE, and RASCAL, who are standing next to RASMUS’ practically undamaged car. GREGORI is holding the hamster cage with both arms, and is looking at RASMUS with a slightly scared expression.
RASMUS begins to walk towards them but notices his phone vibrating in his pocket. He flips it open and accepts the call.
The caller is a young woman with a high-pitched voice.
WOMAN
Hello?
RASMUS
Hello?
WOMAN
Professor Buck?
RASMUS
Hello?
The woman pauses.
WOMAN
What do you mean by "you're"?
RASMUS
What?
WOMAN (slurring her words)
Did you, like, like my paper? It was written by an intellectual. Let us hope she showers us with her wisdom, hence more. Listen, I need you to know that I’ve been like, I’m working really hard, you know? And It’s just been like, really hard lately.
RASMUS doesn't say anything.
WOMAN
I guess, like, I don’t know. I just like, I just wanted to call you because you’re like a grader and stuff. I don’t know...
RASMUS takes the phone away from his ear and stairs at the screen for a couple seconds. Then he hangs up and looks up at GREGORI, who is standing beside him.
RASMUS
Wrong number.
GREGORI looks RASMUS up and down, waiting for a sign from RASMUS that everything’s alright.
RASMUS just looks at him.
RASMUS and GREGORI watch as the man who rear ended them speeds off.
RASCAL imitates the sound of the car speeding off.
INT. HIGHWAY REST STOP - NIGHT
Blinding florescent lights illuminate RASCAL and APPLE as they gaze at air-conditioned two-liter sodas through the thick glass door.
RASCAL
I wub sowda. I wike ice cweam and I wike sowda.
APPLE
Soda is bad for you.
RASCAL
No it's fine, EDDIE drinks wike eight cans uh day. But he wikes diet.
APPLE (mean)
EDDIE is a homosexual. EDDIE drinks diet soda and he’s gay.
RASCAL
NUH-UH!
APPLE
Mama told me. And I believe her.
RASCAL looks back at the soda.
RASCAL
Do you wike sowda or woot beewr?
APPLE doesn't respond.
RASCAL struggles to open the glass door and then stairs up and down. He picks up a two-liter bottle of MUG Root Beer, holding it from the bottom with both hands.
RASCAL, pretending to be a penguin, waddles over to GREGORI who is in the chocolate bar isle.
GREGORI and RASCAL make eye contact but don't say anything. Then GREGORI looks down, pulls out a Coffee Crisp chocolate bar from his left pocket to show RASCAL, and then puts it back in to his pocket.
RASCAL enthusiastically nods and then waddles over to RASMUS.
There is an old woman next to RASMUS who is carrying a small white dog.
RASCAL (to the old woman)
Dat dawg has no bawls!!
RASMUS stairs blankly at RASCAL and then blankly at the old woman.
The old woman is outraged.
RASCAL nervously opens his eyes wide and repeatedly looks left and right.
CUT TO:
The rest stop clerk, who is Indian, is yelling at GREGORI.
CLERK
BACK! GO BACK!
APPLE walks up to the clerk.
APPLE (shouting over the clerk)
Excuse me! I have to use the bathroom! Can I use the bathroom?
The small white dog jumps away from the old woman and begins to run around the store, loudly barking.
RASCAL runs over to join APPLE.
RASCAL (to the clerk)
OK dewd, it’s juwst a chawkwit bawr. Chiwl out. It’s not wike we cant affor-d it.
GREGORI, caught in a laughing fit that won’t end, starts to walk down the isle, knocking over bags of chips and candy bars.
Two female police officers walk in to the store. GREGORI stops laughing and begins to yell.
GREGORI
Nothing works here! Nothing works here! The medications don’t work! I hate this place!
OFFICER 1
Hello? Sir, calm down!
The little dog is still running around and barking.
GREGORI continues.
GREGORI
I’ve been here for seven years! Nothing works here! The medications don’t work! I hate this place!
OFFICER 1 (to GREGORI)
Sir, can you hear me at all?
CLERK (to GREGORI)
LEAVE! GO LEAVE!
GREGORI
Nothing works here! I hate this place! The medications don’t work!
RASCAL waddles over to OFFICER 1.
RASCAL
My dadh used to be a pwetty famous tap dancer!
EXT. OUTSIDE HIGHWAY REST STOP - NIGHT
GREGORI is seated in the back of a police car.
A male police officer is questioning RASMUS.
OFFICER 3
Your name, please?
RASMUS
Rasmus.
OFFICER 3
RASS-MUS?
RASCAL (to OFFICER 3)
He’s actuawly uh pwetty nice guy if youw ask me.
OFFICER 3 (to RASMUS)
Your name is RASS-MUS?
RASMUS and RASCAL respond simultaneously.
RASCAL (to OFFICER 3)
NO, DEWD. MY NAME IS WASCUL. W..WRR... Cwap. Wrrr-wrrrrr-Www-run! Wrruh-wrruh-Wraskull.
RASMUS (to OFFICER 3)
My name?
OFFICER 3 (to RASMUS)
Buddy, what is your name?
RASMUS
IT’S RASMUS. R-A-S-M-U-S. It’s Danish, from the GREEK.
APPLE (to OFFICER 3)
Can you please make him get me a bunny?
OFFICER 3 (to APPLE)
No.
OFFICER 3 walks over to OFFICER 2.
OFFICER 3
Is he just saying the same thing over and over again?
OFFICER 2
Yeah, he says he "hates this place."
OFFICER 3 opens the driver-side door of the police car and awkwardly slides his head in.
We can hear GREGORI still repeating the same mantra, but quieter than before.
GREGORI
The medications don’t work.
OFFICER 3
Alright, brother, see if you can calm down. What medication are you on?
GREGORI
I hate this place. Nothing works here.
OFFICER 3
Can you tell me what medication you’re taking?
GREGORI
Nothing works here. The medications don’t work. Nothing works here.
OFFICER 3
OK. Stay here, buddy.
OFFICER 3 gets out of the car and closes the door.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
GREGORI is wearing a hospital gown and is walking with an older black female nurse down a hallway. He is whispering the mantra to himself.
GREGORI (talking calm and slowly)
I’ve been here for seven years. The medications don't work. Nothing works here.
NURSE (enthusiastically)
Mr. GREGORI, you’ve only been here since yesterday!
GREGORI and the nurse walk in to a room. The nurse has GREGORI sit down on a cot.
GREGORI is looking at his feet but follows all of the nurse's orders.
The only pause of silence is when GREGORI takes a small paper cup from the nurse and drinks from it slowly.
GREGORI (calmly cleaning water from his upper lip)
Nothing works here. Nothing works here. I hate this place. Nothing works here.
NURSE (speaking over GREGORI)
OK. Hopefully you’ll relax in a little while.
The camera follows the nurse as she leaves the room.
EXT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY
Exterior of the mental hospital on a beautiful summer day. We hear GREGORI and EDDIE talking on the phone. EDDIE is speaking in an odd, authoritative tone.
EDDIE
And how long are you there for?
GREGORI
It's at, uh, Kitchener Psychiatric Hospital.
GREGORI pauses.
GREGORI
I also wrote a--I also wrote a joke.
EDDIE
And why are you there?
GREGORI
Yeah, I, well... In the book it said--this guy, his luck was so bad that aspirin gave him headaches.
GREGORI chuckles. Call ends.